troxi
i make music when i feel like it
get in touch:
[email protected] (business email)
@troxied instagram (business)
recent blog updates:
8/10/24 - LC! and ME REX, Brighton
9/10/24 - Songs of October
5/11/24 - The emotional capabilities of Modern Music
18/11/24 - Songs of November
27/12/24 - Composition - What I've learnt
28/12/24 - Songs of December
09/01/25 - Past, Present, Future and Releasing Music
8/10/24
9/10/24
05/11/24
18/11/24
27/12/24
28/12/24
09/01/25
Troxi
12/12/24 - Troxi
1894 Words
LAST EDITED: N/A
TRIGGER WARNING: mental illness, death, bullying, homophobia and transphobia, pedophilia and grooming.
My name is Toby.
I’ve always been queer in one way or another. I played Animal Jam as a kid, talking to my friends on Skype and hearing about their love lives (aged 11, lol)
My first exposure to music I loved was sitting on my 3ds XL on a school night, maybe 8 years old. I loaded up YouTube and found a 10 hour long video, (Twentyonepilots Stressed Out – Trap remix) and listened to it until I fell asleep. Weird, definitely. But it started my love for music. I listened to it nightly, as a tradition to lull myself to sleep, trepidation filling me from the moment I woke up knowing I had to go to school. You’d wonder why a kid would fear primary school already, but I matured fast- through my home life and the ravenous bullying (I was an ugly, fat kid who loved my little pony and was autistic. Go figure.) I’d learnt the hard way how the world was. By year 5, I’d been talking to 30 year olds on Skype. By year 6, I had a cheese touch named after me, “The Gay Touch” after confiding in my “friends” about a girl I liked. By year 7, I was already hardened enough to know how to interact with the people around me.Identity had always been something I thought about alot, and up until around year 10 was on the forefront of my mind. But people are too enticed by gender, sexuality, labels and meaningless boxes to tick. In my mind, my identity is the person I am. I am Toby. I prefer being referred to one way, but hell if I care much if people refer to me a different way. I am a collection of the people I’ve loved; and the songs I’ve over-listened. I think if you want to get to know me, all you need is a playlist and an open mind; labels don’t suit me. Who I like and who I don’t is irrelevant, my preferences are irrelevant, how I’d define myself is purely based on what you see, and what you feel. However you perceive me is truly up to you. Whether you met me during the height of my unsociability or not I believe people evolve and change, and while you don’t have to accept the person they were or the person they are, you have to understand it.I believe music, in of itself, is an art form. Whether you’re captured by the searing guitar melody or the daring lyrics, you’re valid. Personally, my mantra with music is if it was made with love; with hatred, with any strong emotion, it’s art. And should be respected and revered as such. I sort music into a few categories. Emotionally evoking, and fun. And music that can be both, is the absolute peak to me. If you read this blog, if you’ve talked to me for once in my entire life, if you’ve seen me in real life and read my shirts, my lanyard, my sweaters, you’ll know that my all time favourite band is Los Campesinos!. LC! Defy every boundary I set for myself, and define my taste in music. Their discography is banger after banger, some better than others, some more angry, some more sad, a beautiful vibrance shines through from the torn vocals and uncannily natural lyrics. Most importantly, it’s music that’s stuck with me through every situation. On the way to school. During breakups. Drunk in a field (the average British teenager past time, of course.)I think as a person you are defined by the people you love, or have loved. Whether you’re full of hatred for them or still glancing at them as they walk by. I may watch you walk into the store with me. I watch your face screw up as you stare at the aisle, but I know what you’ll take. You still wear the same hoodie you did years ago. And you walk out without a trace, leaving a fraction of a distant past behind. Our souls are twisted and meshed, bumped by some, by people we’ve intertwined with. Forgiving is not forgetting; and I unfortunately often do neither. My fatal flaw is that I cannot forgive nor forget. If I've been irrevocably hurt I may never get over it. It will always loom in my mind, and that is what music is so useful for. Processing events that may of otherwise never been revisited, and, alternatively, thinking about what could of been, what should of been, and what might of been.In Year 10, I was on the bus home from school. My mother called me, and the text I got next was alarming. I couldn’t go home. From this moment, I knew exactly what had happened. I just didn’t want to accept it.
I went to my friend’s house, near mine. As I walked down, I rushed towards my road. Two ambulances blocked the entrance.
I sat in their living room for 4 hours. We ate Mcdonalds. I sat on the floor on my phone. My grandmother called me. My sister called me.
I sat for an hour and I remember distinctly thinking, this would be the last moment of calm before my life changed forever. I remember the feeling of sitting there, feeling unwelcomed and unloved. But out of everything, I remember the calm. I knew what was coming, really. I just also knew I had time before I had to accept it.
My sister turned up at the door and I was walked home.
My intuition was right.
It was the 3rd of March, 3 days from my birthday. And my father had died.From that moment onwards, was the 2 most miserable years of my life.
It wasn’t necessarily that my dad had died; that was horrible don’t get me wrong, but it was the lack of support around me. You’d imagine, as a child already admitted into CAHMS for mental illness, I would receive support? You’d imagine, my school, my friends, my family- someone, would be there.
But I to this day don’t believe anyone was.
Only a month or two later, my best friend of around 5 years was outed for drawing pedophilic art of minor characters, blaming it on me. Only a month or two after that, my entire friend group suddenly left me after a fight I’d had with one of them.
I dropped out of school completely after they’d blocked me. My friend group though; they weren’t at all involved. You’d think, after everything that had happened, they would message me. Tell me anything, ask me if I was even alive.
I never heard from them again.The next 2 years were a spiral. Yelled at, dissociating for not going to school. A constant stream of social workers, people I had no idea who they were, in my flat. Talking to me. Taking my belongings. Forcing me to throw away my belongings. Smugly telling me they knew best.
I was 14.
And then I was 15. And I had about 3 friends, all online. I hadn’t talked to anyone in real life in months, bordering years. My only interaction was traveling halfway across the country to see one of them, and although at that time they were a true friend to me, I struggled. I struggled being “normal.” I struggled socialising like a person should. Everytime I saw them would be the first time I’d gotten out of bed properly in months. I felt so uneasy every time I left the house, for the fear that I was doing it wrong. That people would know.In year 11, I sat my GCSE’s, going into school for the first time in years. I can never quite explain how it felt. Seeing faculty members I’d never seen address me by name. All eyes on me. It was supposed to be polite, I’m sure, but it was more alarming. I’d never of wanted to go home as much as I did then.
During this time, I found a new friend. A friend that was always nice to me, and listened to everything that had happened. They encouraged me to finish my GCSE’s (although, keeping me up all night talking didn’t help.) and were the first person in years to genuinely like me for me.
I finished my GCSE’s, and applied to the college I hated the most because they were the only one that took me. I finally got my results back late, as my school had refused to send them to me.
My English was a 9. I passed everything else.
And then life started looking up again.I went into college, expecting the same thing over. I just wanted to get through. I expected the same teasing, bullying, head down and disdain as school was.
I’ve never been more happily wrong.
Life, for the first time in 3 fucking years, was starting to seem okay.
And now it’s been a year. And instead of laying in bed all day, stuck in a hole, I’m hopeful. I want to get into University to write about the music that got me through these times. I love listening to the people around me. For the first time in so many fucking years, I feel I’ve made genuine friends. I feel that people, for the first time, don’t despise me.
It’s something precious. It's something I don’t want to go away.
And that’s why this blog exists. I love the outlet to write about music I love, sprinkled of course with the same dose of regular life and anecdotes. I’ve experienced the lowest anyone can ever go, without going into detail, and I’ve spun into that for years. And that’s what motivates me. Knowing I’m not there anymore- that I can’t be there anymore.The greatest thing I’ve learnt in my life, is not to live for other people. Don’t do things you don’t want to, for people to like you. Don’t spend 4 years playing a game you hate for a boy you fucking liked, ESPECIALLY if it’s fortnite. Don’t follow people around in order to be a part of something.
And you don’t have to forgive people that have hurt you. Not to have a relationship with them, nor for the sake of peace. There are few people in my life that I know for a fact will never be a part of it again, and I don’t relish in my hatred, but instead I relish in the fact I don’t have to know, or hear about them again. Peace is everything. If you think I’m stalking you- the exact opposite. I probably haven’t heard about you in as long as it can be, and it’s blissful. If you’re reading this stalking me; I can’t stop you. But I know you’d be so much happier if you stopped. And I mean that with my heart, as genuine as I can be.All of this, builds you into the person you are.
So hello, my name is Toby, but on my blog I go by the pen-name Troxi.
I hope, if anything, you have the greatest context as to why I write how I do; and how I feel the things I write about, and the things I listen to greatly.Cheers,
Troxi x
Forenotes:
I was debating whether or not to include a hell of a lot of information in this. But it shapes me, and my writing. So I think it's alright.
If you've been mentioned (indirected) in this, I mean no ill will towards you. This includes you two that I contacted myself and talk to now from that friend group (Hi!)
There's a lot more I could talk about; I feel this blog isn't quite the place for it.
If you are someone not in my life anymore reading this and are upset at what I wrote, I cannot tell you anything except reflect. There are maybe 3 people I've ever fallen out with that make me ill at the mention of, and maybe 1 of those will read this. But that's the risk I take by putting this out there, I guess.
My writing will be a lot more lighthearted than this; I just think putting my (albeit, stripped back with a lot of details missing) story out there is context towards my music taste and my analysis.
If you're reading this and are one of my friends now, I'm incredibly grateful. I love you guys x
Lots of love, Troxi x
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The simplistic design document featuring the "Troxi" brand's simple colour palette, imagery and fonts.
"Troxi" as a person is a melancholic but humerous young adult from East London dedicated to sharing and creating their favourite music. An intriguing mix of light instrumentals and playful yet daring lyrics, Troxi works to destigmatise personalisation in songs. From life events to playground politics, Troxi lyrically, instrumentally, and overall fundamentally defines their own genre.OR,
TROXI - A small artist from East London honing in on a bizarre mix of lyrical catastrophe and instrumental cacophany.
Troxi.xyz is a small personally-owned music blog made to share small, queer, and otherwise unknown music. Commentating with sharp wit, Troxi devotes the blog to picking 5 songs a month to write about in detail, as well as picking an industry-related event, performance, or artist to uplift. Proving itself, Troxi.xyz has a dedicated team of the site writer/manager and site programmer/developer to manage the blog, including checking user statistics, making new developments for the site's plugins, and providing important input on the future of the site.OR,
Troxi.xyz - A music blog for the downtrodden, the "pleasure to teach" and the odd.
As a blog and an artist, I'm always looking for professional advice and help. Whether you'd like me to review you as an artist or you want to offer your services to help advance the development of Troxi.xyz, I'd appreciate anything and everything.Feedback is also A-Okay and encouraged.Please direct all enquires to [email protected]. Thank you.
Past, Present, Future and Releasing Music
9/01/25 - Troxi
755 Words
LAST EDITED: 14/01/25
So, as well as writing about my favourite music, I make a bit too!
Recently, I’ve released my first track to streaming services- a small instrumental single called “Past, Present, Future”
The song itself is just a single from something else I’m writing- so I won’t talk much about it here. But something I think is important to go over- how did I release this? What is the step-by-step process of releasing your own music?First off- you need to make sure your song is ready to release. Even if you think it’s “done,” think again. Is it mixed to a good standard, mastered even? Is it at an appropriate dB level for major streaming services, does it use any samples that need to be accredited and cleared? These are all huge things you need to check through before releasing anything, and although it may seem obvious it’s really important before releasing anything to double, triple, check everything.The next thing I had to do was find a distributor. To get music to streaming services, you need a music distribution service. For convenience, I chose Distrokid. But don’t be fooled- distribution isn’t free.
Distrokid runs a subscription model- pay per year rather than per song. The plan I’m under costs £32 a year for infinite releases, 2 Artist profiles, and monitoring. Not bad all in all, but it charges annually, so make sure you have the money before releasing anything!
Through Distrokid, you upload a file of the song you want to release, and any other relevant info. This includes artist name, accredited artists on the record, where you want to release it and more. You can set a release date from any time, though if you want to release immediately it may take 7+ business days to clear your track. I was quite lucky- I set my track to immediate release, and it was available on Spotify just 24 hours later, which was honestly really impressive!
Distrokid gives you a lot of options- Spotify Canvas creation, website creation, even those fancy pre-save links you see your favourite artists have. Something that’s also super handy is easy Spotify Artist account links, so as soon as it goes up you can claim your Spotify artist profile within seconds. I did this immediately, which leads on to another thing, artist profiles.I’ve only really used Spotify for Artists so that’s all I’ll comment on, but there’s a lot of cool statistics and customisation you can use! The first thing I did was set my profile picture, banner, and artist bio, as that’s the main things I personally look at when looking at new artists. Something you may not know, there’s a whole page on playlists your tracks have been added to, public or private, which is really interesting to look at!And last- Release day. For me personally, I was looking forward to looking at my statistics- so I checked out the presave link I sent out.
For reference, those 2 presaves are my Spotify and my partner’s. All those views at least- but that also means every single person who I excitedly sent the link to didn’t bother. Okay, sure whatever, verbal support maybe? You'd hope- but nah. Not really. And that's part of the job. Sometimes your friends just aren't interested, in your work, in your projects, in everything.So, my final point, releasing music is fucking draining. Not just in the paperwork, but in the response. You may be disappointed in your “release day” unless you’ve promoted it hard. I didn’t expect some crazy show of lights- but I would of liked a few of my friends express genuine interest. But sometimes that’s how it is.
It’s difficult not to get de-motivated when things like this happen, but that’s the industry.
Forenotes:
Ending on a downer because honestly, I am upset about it. Not that people don’t like my track, more that friends I really wanted to show couldn’t give a shit. I’m confident putting this in my blog despite fear they’ll read it- I've asked people to. They don’t. So I’m confidently happy to express this here!Genuinely, if you like PPF I’d love to hear it. Any feedback at all! My comments are close to reopening but for now, I’d adore any feedback at my email ([email protected]) and genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, if you listened, thank you.
Lots of love, Troxi x
Songs of December
28/12/24 - Troxi
1157 Words
LAST EDITED: n/a
For the purpose of honesty, I know this month would be very thematic to all be seasonal songs. For the purpose of further, embarrassing, honesty, I don't think I know enough good Christmas songs to not make it the entirety of "A Los Campesinos! Christmas." I’ve definitely left this one super late- so feel free to let me know any biographical mistakes I missed out!
1. Documented Minor Emotional Breakdown #1 - Los Campesinos!
I can’t give this song enough credit; it is without a doubt in my opinion one of the top 5 most underrated LC! Songs and perfectly fitting for the dull winter we’re having. It’s emotional but full of spite, downtrodden but self deprecating, that classic LC! Hit. DMEB is so discordant, but in the best way possible. This song is one of the few where I genuinely cannot pick a favourite lyric, because my favourite lyric is an entire verse, which easily breaks my top 10 favourite lyrical masterpieces. The “solo” in the instrumental part of the song is strangely heartbreaking in the best way- and it probably deserves the title of most horrible-sounding good-sounding riff ever made. DMEB perfectly hits the vibe I love the most that’s ever so difficult to describe, that sense of anger, and sadness, but mostly apathy. DMEB encapsulates the idea of a lack of care towards anything or anyone during a, well, mental breakdown, and the bitter taste of a new ex. A song to love, a song to cry to, a song to scream, DMEB hits every criteria and for me, that makes it so easily beautiful.
Favourite lyric: She imagined everything I said in falsetto, the only way to justify my childish despair. I spent my last six-fifty in a public phone box, graffitied genitalia from the ceiling to floor. Played reckless, rapid like a fruit machine. I see gargoyles in the floral of the duvet cover. You see melodrama move from one sentence to the other.
And many years practice of speaking in hushed tones
2. Wait (The Secret Stars Cover) - Los Campesinos!
When the “All Hell” deluxe release came out, I jumped on this track. It was strangely beautiful, reminiscent towards another LC cover, "I love you (but you're boring)" and a fitting end to All Hell. Safe to say, when it officially released to streaming, I was ecstatic. This song reminisces a simple yet oh so complicated time, with beautiful airy instrumentals and a soft vocal to accompany. The repetition of the "over and over again" resonates- at least with me- it's the mantra of life. You say the same things, you do the same things, you, painfully, are all the same things you've done. This song perfectly embodies a distinct lucidness only present at the end of an album like this, and if there could ever be an alternate end to "Adult Acne Stigmata", this song would be a seemingly perfect fit.
Favourite lyric: I don’t know much about you, not that I want to
3. When Christmas Comes – Los Campesinos!
Ok, promise this is the end of the LC! Reign. I hate Christmas songs. I hate Christmas. But “A Los Campesinos! Christmas” is such a good E.P that I can’t discount it. While it doesn’t hit as hard as other LC! Songs, WCC is a fun take on the usual Christmas songs bands deliver. Instrumentally, it has a beautiful strings section alongside the usual, and the LC! Choir throughout the verses is a great addition. The song changes super quickly into a halftime pre-chorus and then straight back into the swinging chorus. As always, the song of course has lighthearted references to sex, sarcasm, and sardonic tendencies, and it’s hard to say exactly why it’s here other than it’s a Christmas classic to me, and if you’re in that down-trodden Christmas mood, this song is perfect for you.
Favourite lyric: Making small change, with all the carolers. Every mention of his name changed to yours.
4. Goodbye Forever – ME REX
I’ve been on a bit of a ME REX kick since seeing them in September if you can’t tell- and this song is no exception. The blaring electronic synths in the beginning especially really drew me into this song, and for good reason. The breakdown at the end is the focal point of the song to me, and the slow drown out of the music suddenly crashing back in is a beautiful ending to such a fast-paced song. It has a lot to say in its short 3 minute run time, and it does a great job at saying it. As most ME REX songs go, it’s quite an effect-heavy song instrumentally but is carried mostly by the beautiful lyric and vocal work of its frontman Myles. This song is definitely one I love to blast coming in and out of college, excited for the day ahead or inspired to create when I get home.
Favourite lyrics: I see you becoming viscous, turning to liquid. Like all fluid things, you are drawn to the moon.
5. Holland, 1945 – Neutral Milk Hotel
This song’s been on my general radar for a while, but more recently I’ve gotten more into NMH. I was really intrigued when I saw the actual creation date of this song, I was expecting it to be made by an indie group in 2021 or so- but this song and the subsequent album it comes from was created back in 1998. Ahead of its time, 1945 thematically explores and is inspired by the Diary of Anne Frank- another thing that really surprised me upon a further dive into its lyrics. Upbeat and promising, 1945 is a really different look into the horrors of the Holocaust, and it almost made me uneasy when I finally found the song I was enjoying was surrounding the subject matter it was- but I think that’s what makes it quite unique. The lyrics come alive when you learn about the true inspiration, and it’s rather grotesque to think about. 1945 is thought provoking in this sense, and you can argue the morality of writing an upbeat song about the horrors of the holocaust but the song itself has definitely made a mark on me, and cemented itself as a pretty influential song of this month for me.I feel it’s a bit bad taste to have a “favourite” lyric from this song, so I’m skipping it this time around. I’d recommend you listen if you’re interested though!
Forenotes:
I’m definitely cutting the line a bit late to release this one, but I think that’s part of the holiday season. By the time I started drafting this, I’d already had the January playlist started which says a lot about the contenders I had for this month!
I’m looking forward to the new year- and to the slow change in music that’s in season (for me, at least)Happy holidays.
Lots of love, Troxi x
Composition - What I've learnt
27/12/24 - Troxi
1173 Words
LAST EDITED: N/A
Maybe a bit daft to talk about myself much on this blog, but hey, did you know I make music?Don’t get me wrong- not good music. While I’ve been writing my own pieces lyrically at 4am for years, I’ve only started producing properly in DAW’s recently due to my learning at college. And I never have really learnt how to use my DAW (Ableton) because my college teaches Logic. I’m just too stubborn to give in to Apple for those ludicrous prices, I’m happy with my pretty little second-hand cheap samsung ecosystem. What I’ve learnt from spending a lot of time with myself composing the first things I think of and then way too much time being frustrated over it not sounding right, is music takes a lot more time than you’d think to make. Sure, the initial idea is ususally simple, and I can make a demo in a few hours. But to release a full-length (3+ minutes) song with a perfected instrumental and a premium mixed vocal is super difficult.To make music, I think you need to find a particular style. Whether that’s just a genre or two, a key instrument, or a vocal flare that nobody else can have. For me, I’ve recently found my style. And it’s BELLS.
Bells everywhere. Light airy bell, low-cut sharp bell, for me, my music sounds the best when half of it is complemented with a beautiful bell sound. It’s not even like I particularly loved bells before starting to create, but this leads straight onto my next point-You can’t really create like your favourite band.
All I’ve ever really wanted were to make songs that sounded like Los Campesinos!.
That hit as hard, as emotionally draining, and as beautifully mastered as “I Just Sighed,” or “Holy Smoke (2005)” but it’s just impossible, it’s impossible to mimic something you consider the best when you’re nowhere near that, and that’s okay.
What I personally find to make my music unique is that mix of what I can do, with what I want to do. I have songs in the works with that airy bell-filled feel, but that have those hard-hitting oddly interpersonal lyrics of “Knee Deep at ATP” or “Documented Minor Emotional Breakdown #1”
I think, mostly, that’s what composing music is. It’s finding what you want to do and what you can do, and melding them softly together to create a blend of you. It’s strangely comforting to listen back to something you created, knowing it was made with your heart, your eyes and your ears, and people are going to listen to it. Not many, maybe, but your music might connect with someone. And honestly, if my music resonates with anyone, I’m happy with it, and you should be too.Another point I've learnt the hard way over many years, is music is an art form, in many ways. Music is difficult to contain as “bad” and “good,” one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Music you may despise (To me, AJR) may be another person‘s (Ex friend, go figure) absolute favourite band. And that’s okay, because music is subjective. I’ve had a difficult time with practicing what I preach though- for years, I wanted to do freelance art as a job in the future. I’d draw everyday on my (really bad) Lenovo Yogabook, desperate to keep up with my friends on Skype when I was around 9. I’d draw my awful original characters from “Animal Jam,” which, if you know and played Animal Jam Classic as a kid you can see why I am how I am. But either way- I was always frustrated that I was the worst artist in any friend group I joined, and any post I saw I was always annoyed that they were better than me. Even now, despite years of improvement, I always see myself as worse than my peers at anything I create, art wise. Despite not drawing much anymore, this still applies perfectly to composition. Anything we create or compose is subjective, some people may love it and some people may see it as screeching and unlistenable, but we all have a meter of how much we enjoy someone else’s creation, and then our own. As artists, generally, we are our own most horrendous critics. If you loathe the process, you’ll usually loathe the result, even if it’s your Magnum Opus. We listen to our own music so critically that’s it’s often difficult to find love for it, as we identify every mistake, every sound we couldn’t perfect to our vision, every vocal twinge.Other people, just listen to it as music.And that’s why it’s so important to cut yourself some slack sometimes. No, your mix isn’t perfect. Of course, the vocal could use work. Yes, you’ve used that same damned “Basic Bells” sound 5 times in the last week on about 3 different tracks.But to someone else, they just hear music.And that’s what’s perfect, really.Finally, the most important thing I’ve learnt is not to let people bring your art down because they feel bad about it. We’ve all met those people. The ones that always think they’re the best and “well, not to be rude but I am just above everyone else.” THOSE types. Maybe their work genuinely is good enough to have an ego- just not that type of ego. Whether they’re actually good or horrifically misinformed, these people love to tear you down. Maybe you’re proud of a track and play it for them only for them to have a million and one suggestions “Oh this is cool but this would be better” or they’re just dismissive, it’s still sort of heartbreaking for someone to take something you’ve worked on so hard and shorten it to just a “It’s fine.”Assholes are assholes. Let them be. Their opinion (unfortunately for them) isn’t fact, and even if they do genuinely dislike your work, there’ll be a million and one people to uplift it and love it all the same.Overall- composition is hard. You can’t do what you want to do, and you can do what you don’t like. You can’t ever live up to the standards of your favourites without sounding like a cheap copy, but maybe you can take your own elements and create something totally new, and true to yourself. Don’t change for anyone, and don’t be so hard on yourself. There’s something out there for everyone, and maybe for someone, that’s your work.
Music and artwork alluded to in this post
Forenotes:
I wasn’t really sure what to write about this, and I want to do a more comprehensive dive into how I compose personally (So, basically a more informal version of my D8 Sway Blogs..)
It’s nice to talk about how I’ve felt in personal composition without going too in depth, and I think it’s important in some ways too.
Definetely a filler article (Sorry) but hopefully still interesting, whether you make your own music, are looking into it, or you’re just a confused onlooker.
Lots of love, Troxi x
Songs of November
18/11/24 - Troxi
1641 Words
LAST EDITED: n/a
We're gonna ignore that it's already over halfway through the month. A guy's been busy!
I've dedicated this month mostly to songs I've listened to that are more emotional in some way. This is a tie-in post with my previous article this month about the emotional responses of music, so this SOTM is a little treat to extend that article I guess :)
Originally, this lineup was different, but while copying over my notes and drafts I decided to completely change a song. Sorry LC! you got shafted for once. x
1. Ice Cream and Sunscreen - Martha
I don’t really have a good track record with fireworks. This song explores that a lot for me, a simplistic start and an awesome breakdown. I love songs that feature a lyric maybe unsolicited that causes the breakdown; to me I feel a lot like something small can cause something huge, a chain, a reaction, a butterfly effect, whatever you wanna call it. ICAS is 100% one of those songs I bounce down the road to, it’s interesting to me in that I think you can read this song contextually in very different ways. It can be a song that makes you happy, or a song that upsets, and brings out the worst in your memories. Certain lyrics like “August sort of stifled your potential, didn’t it?” resonate hard if you know of an event, of a person, of anything in August that brought you down. Honestly, this song for me is entirely self indulgent in that I relate to a lot of it massively, but I still think it encapsulates everything good about modern-day punk music. (Martha self-describe themselves as a punk band, don’t come for me!)
Favourite lyric: Our birthday's came and went unnoticed again.
2. 2007, The Year Punk Broke (My Heart) - Los Campesinos!
2007 is (in my opinion) one of LC’s best sleeper hits. 2007 is almost 5 minutes long, but 4 of those minutes are pure instrumental. For me to rate an instrumental song high- you know it’s gotta be good!
2007 amplifies everything I love about early LC, the instrumentation includes classics such as the (trombone? Trumpet? Cello? Something) and the classic LC glockenspiel, building up over the course of the 5 minute song to all end in a breakdown at the last moment. The song itself is super repetitive, but manages to add and remove sections in a way that still makes it interesting to listen to and progressive in its own way. It manages to slowly yet constantly ramp up instrumentally whilst keeping the exact same melody and chords, which is super impressive for such a short song to end off LC’s first studio album, “Hold on now, youngster.”
I used to skip this song as I felt it was long-winded, but as of recent its stuck in my mind. The song is a great ending to the twee, emo, indierock album HONY is, and the lyrics at the start perfectly sum up the time period it was made in. 2007 is basically a time capsule, and one I hold near to my heart.
Favourite lyric: The summer of 2007; the summer that punk rock broke my heart.
3. The Right Way Around - Daughter
TRWA is a track close to my heart for a few different reasons. This song was made for the Life is Strange soundtrack, specifically being the menu music to the incredibly sad game, “Before the storm.”
Daughter was commissioned to write the entire soundtrack to this game, and this song perfectly fits the struggles of the main characters. I’ve been listening to this track a lot more recently since I’ve been replaying through the Life is Strange trilogy (well, there’s four of them now!) and there’s something beautiful about the tone and breakdown of this song. The distorted vocals and lyric-less nature of the song adds a lot to the environment of Arcadia Bay, before the storm, and it holds up beautifully on its own outside the game. For the unknowing, LIS as a game explores themes of time travel and quantum mortality, in that the protagonist of the game (spoilers) saves the life of her friend over and over again, only to be faced with the option of going back and letting her die for the sake of an entire town or choosing her and rebuilding their life elsewhere. Before the storm explores that friend’s tragic life before the, well, storm, and what led her to the choices in the main game. It’s a heartwarming tribute to the experiences of queer love and the trauma involved with losing your father and the fallout which comes with it. I resonate with this as someone who manages to fit both those categories, and therefore this music is near and dear to my heart. TRWA is a short track, cashing in only at 2:40, but the buildup towards the metaphorical storm of the song is tragic, and in its own way perfectly fitting. If you want to learn more on the emotional afflictions with music, I’ve written a long blog post mentioning things similar to this.
Favourite lyric: N/A
4. The Ballad of the Costa Concordia - carseatheadrest
Where do I even start.
This song truly is a ballad. At a whole 11 and a half minutes long, this song is a beautiful example of the human emotion using real life examples. The Costa Concordia is a ship which sank in 2012, a cruise boat around the Mediterranean sea. It struck a rock on a diversion and sank. CSH uses this tragedy to their advantage, comparing the sinking of the Costa Concordia to the sinking of mental health and to the lack of preparation for adult life, the sinking of the ship just hours after port to him failing in his young adult life. The song’s most chilling, and in my opinion best part is the long breakdown that builds up from a lack of care to an almost potent anger. The last few lines of the breakdown are chilling, comparing the drowning of the people onboard the ship to the feeling of drowning in your own bedroom, into a deep depression.
This song is one of those perfect songs to scream to, to lament to. Many relate to the feeling of being let out of the nest too early; feeling unable to cope with the stress of life. Especially those that feel underprepared due to a lack of care by parents, whether their parents aren’t around physically or mentally. The feeling is frustrating, the struggle of life is incredibly well-shared, especially in the current day and age of COVID, and feeling unprepared due to the amount of time wasted by the national lockdowns and pandemic. TBOTCC as a song lyrically is beautiful, and after the breakdown the song totally switches up. The song gives up its anger and replaces it with apathy, happily stating he’s given up. There are plenty of things wrong; but the writer can no longer bother to put effort into caring about them.
And finally, at the outro of the song, melodically it changes completely. The subject has changed; it’s no longer lamenting at the loss of themselves, but putting action towards another. The lack of care is gone. They care again. And all their care is placed into this person dear to them.
I believe this song is a great musical example of the trials and tribulations of a mental breakdown from start to finish; the only thing I’ve found which perfectly describes the entire process. TBOTCC is a beautiful, relevant song even to this day, and the anger and potency of the lyrics can be felt amazingly through the biggest speaker you own, or a half broken earphone wire.
Favourite lyrics: And God won’t forgive me, and you won’t forgive me, not unless I open up my heart.
And how am I supposed to do that?
When I go to this same room every night, and sleep in the same bed every night?
The same fucking bed, with the red comforter with the white stripes, and the yellow ceiling light that makes me feel like I’m dying.
This sea is too familiar;
How many nights have I drowned here?
How many times have I drowned?
LONG I KNOW. Sorry, I feel like you can't seperate this absolutely monumental breakdown!!
5. Six Men Getting Sick Six Times (Mendable) - Martha
I’ve fallen head over heels for this song over the last month or two; a beautiful muted acoustic song that envelops everything I want from it. This song speaks for itself mostly, it’s a stripped back guitar song carried by the lyrics and vocals. A shorter hit at less than 2 and a half minutes, it’s a stark contrast to some of the longer hits I have on this list. I included this last minute as it’s a really beautiful emotional song, it goes to show songs don’t have to be long and drawn out to evoke that response. The song’s core theme is directed at a person that the writer loves, making the most of what they have (“Who needs Tenerife when we’ve got Whitley Bay?”)
Favourite lyric: I've been called a lot of things I'm not ashamed to say; things like "too political," "hyper cynical" But kind-of funny felt okay.
Forenotes:
This one took a while because I was debating on the songs and the amount of content to put in; It's a struggle to condense my thoughts especially in more acoustic songs because it's super hard to get my words onto paper sometimes haha. I had the draft for this written out a few weeks ago, but always felt it was lacking something. I still do, but hopefully you can still appreciate my word vomit.
Lots of love, Troxi x
P.S I made a really bad stripped cover (like 10 minutes of figuring out the chords haha) of Mendable, if you wanna hear it :)
The emotional capabilities of Modern Music
05/11/24 - Troxi
1512 Words
LAST EDITED: 06/11/24 - typo
Have you ever listened to a song, track, or album that’s made you feel like shit?
The answer is probably yes. If you’re like me, you have a whole collection of songs that make you feel like shit. Strangely, though, to some it’s comforting. You may use these songs, this album, this personalized playlist, to listen to when you’re upset. Though it makes you MORE upset. So what’s up with that?Psychology in music plays a huge role in how our brain interprets songs. Whether that be a melancholic riff, a lyrical fallacy or an association to pre-existing media, your interpretation of a song is personal, and real. Maybe you associate a certain verse in a heavy song with your life, like how I feel about “I just sighed, I just sighed just so you know.” which features a bridge;
“I’m a little bit drunk and I mean just a little bit, no lush in denial only rather coquettish. I’m fifteen years old and my parents’ only son, like I barely survived a girl’s school education. Prettier now that you’ve grown your hair long, I’m a slip of a man since I’ve cut all mine off”While later dedicated to people like me, aged 14 this song had me in some sort of hold. I was excited to turn 15 purely so I could relate to this song even more; even though I desperately wanted to be out of the state that got me into it in the first place. This song was personal to me because it described my situation; and it’s also the most viscerally upsetting reaction I’ve had to a song. The jagged intro, sharp verses, begging chorus’, it would never fail to ruin my mood.
Yet I loved it. It was by far my favourite song, and even now though it drags me back into those formative years, it’s still easily in my top of all time for the impact it had on my life. I remember coming home daily, crushed by the weight of the dramatics of my friends and the impending doom of exams, blasting this into my ears in bed shivering in the cold winter days. They're not good memories; but they're memories.
This song had every aspect of what can make a song make you feel bad; dissonant instrumentals, screeching vocals, loud eruptions of noise. It was melodically dissonant, and lyrically resonant. It related to an important part of my life, listening to it when I was in a bad state with my crush/best friend at the time (As all queer love stories go, of course) and yet it was still the best thing since sliced bread to me.
It’s intriguing how easily human emotions can be triggered by music. One note out of scale in a melody may make you feel uneasy, like something is wrong, an amp growl can make you angry, there are a lot of small musical elements that you may subconsciously associate with certain emotions. The major and minor scale is the easiest way to describe it. We associate the major scale with upbeat, happy songs, and the minor scale with sadder songs. But why is that? And why on earth would you want to listen to that?Simply put, music that solidifies and reinforces our emotions can help us process them. Putting on Sabrina Carpenter’s “Espresso” going through a breakup won’t help, but maybe her other hit “because i liked a boy” might.
Using music that reinforces your feelings can help bring out those emotions more, processing and getting over them quicker. It lets you cry to someone else’s sad story instead of focusing on yours, or even that human feeling of community; naturally, if you feel in tune with other people and you feel you’re suffering with them rather than alone, it makes you feel better. You’re not the only one in a situation, and it’s temporary. All of these combined make “sad music” universally adored, maybe more by some than others.Back to my original definition, you can definitely have music that makes you feel bad just from association. Your ex LOVED The Arctic Monkeys? I’m sure you can’t stand hearing “505” so often. Or it makes you miss them, who knows. But overall, someone you hate’s favourite song probably ranks low in your books. If you hate me, I’m sure every time you hear Los Campesinos! On BBC Radio 6 you grimace, or everytime you hear “Fill in the Blank” in some Indie music shop you turn your earphones up. Hatred by association is a surefire way to get emotional over music. Another great example from me is the song “I will always think of you” from the Bojack Horseman soundtrack.
This show is a great representation of personality disorders, how they effect people differently, and what the difference between someone who doesn’t care about who they hurt and blame it on their past vs someone that actively tries at every opportunity to be better really is. I could talk about this show forever, so for now all I can say is give it a go. The song itself is played during pivotal moments in the nearing end and end of the show, to show a backstory to the most abusive characters in the show; but also showing the generational trauma passed down upon them and that they pass down itself. Basically, it’s used in moments that hurt. It’s very simplistic musically, a piano melody with no other instrumentation other then vocalists with simple lyrics made to mimic a 1940-50's love song. On its own, the song seems like a pleasant homage to this time period, but I’m sure most who’ve watched and hold the show it originated from dearly would argue the exact opposite. This is a perfect example of emotion by association, and how a perfectly innocent song can make you feel the exact same as a song with more overtly dark undertones. A cheeky final example I can use - that probably hits the target audience of this a lot more - is anything from the Minecraft OST. You probably hear “Subwoofer Lullaby” or “Mice On Venus” and instantly relax into the nostalgia of building in creative, listening to tutorials to make a perfect house (and then ruining the roof, those damn stairs) or playing special packs with your friends, talking about the legendary Xbox360 red ring of death rumour. It's a very simplistic soundtrack, thinly textured but well mixed, yet there's this overwhelming sense of calm and nostalgia associated with it.So, what’s the point in all this? Are these songs good or bad?Personally, I’d argue any song made with the intention of hurting the listener that achieves that is a brilliant song. Being able to contol your listener’s mind like a puppet is incredibly impressive, and lets your music dig so deep into someone’s brain it becomes a part of it forever. Whether that means everytime they feel sad they go to your song, or they recommend it to everyone they know whenever they can, having a lasting effect on someone is a sign of a well written song, whether that be harmonically, melodically, rhythmically, or lyrically.
If your music can evoke emotion, it’s made well. Whether that means the music wants to make you get up and dance around like you’re drunk in Mallorca a decade or so ago, (Holy Smoke 2005)
- Or, you’re wanting to lay around and lament the life you could’ve lived if not for the people in power,
Music that can make you feel something, anything, is beautiful.End
Forenotes:
I really want to research this article more and provide a deeper, psychological look into what makes good music make you feel bad, but I didn’t quite have the time. I’d love to revisit this at some point, but for now this article is totally my opinion only, and may be factually incorrect. I have a short playlist (because, if I allowed myself more than about 3 songs per album it’d go on forever...) of songs that are super impactful to me personally, in that they were sad songs in formative parts of my life or were situational songs that make me think of certain things, people or places. Feel free to give it a listen, though I have to warn you it isn’t super diverse haha.
I’d love to hear people’s thoughts on this, and hear their own impactful sad or angry songs. Even situational songs like how I feel strongly about I will always think of you or Mr Blue because of their relevance in a show I admire. Feel free to comment on this article (when my comments are up and running, thank you to my backend developer Proxi for your hard work!) or email me at [email protected] if you’re shy.
This topic means a lot to me, and it’s hard to describe properly so I’m totally gonna edit all over this plenty of times when I find something new, so please bare with me haha.
Lots of love, Troxi x
Songs of October
9/10/24 - Troxi
1047 Words
LAST EDITED: n/a
I think as a part of this blog, I really want to do a monthly breakdown on 3-5 songs, their impact, why I chose them and why you should listen! So here comes the first 5. And hey - I promise I'll try my hardest not to include LC! every single month. (Though god knows it'll be hard..!)
1. Jupiter Pluvius - ME REX
I discovered ME REX just a week or two ago, opening for Los Campesinos! on the Mortal Joy tour and I have to say without a doubt I've been missing out on their music beforehand. Jupiter Pluvius is their most popular track - and for good reason!
JP blends a simple melodic line with complex lyrical content and classic punk-rock shouty vocals, the thin texture bringing all attention to the singer's words. The shouted vocals blended with the calmer chorus makes for a great song to shout along to, and I really enjoy the references to the outer space and galaxy. The lyrics in this song are difficult to understand in a way that's profound but still fun, and despite its simplistic style melodically the main hook on keys is incredibly catchy, mixed on top of the rest of the instruments. The mastering of this track really elevates it, the keys on top rather than hidden in the mix really brings the otherwise slightly messy symphony together, and again, HOW is it so catchy?!
Favourite lyric: Cassiopeia, Ursa Major. Your face appears in cracked brick formations.
2. Girl Clout - Fresh
Ironically, this track is another I discovered through Los Campesinos. Fresh opened for LC! on their American tour, though I actually found this through the Mortal Joy tour pre-show playlist! I immediately had to find it, and it's been stuck in my head all week.
Fresh's lyricism is alot more simplistic than what I'm used to, but I think it works well in their favour. The vocal style is more punk-rock style shouted lyrics, and the band lineup seems to inhabit this a lot. This song mostly revolves the struggles of being a smaller band in a bigger space and people using you for brownie points. I really enjoy the idea behind this song, and although fairly simplistic melodically and lyrically, it establishes itself well and has some really nice cases of dissonance mostly with the guitar throughout the piece. I really enjoy the theme throughout this song of an underlying sexism/misogyny problem in the indie scene and I can really feel the singer's anger through her powerful voice.
Favourite lyric: Played shows with us for "GIRL CLOUT", tell me you're "one of the good guys!"
3. Adult Acne Stigmata - Los Campesinos!
Okay don't flame me. I wouldn't be me without at least ONE LC hit...
AAS is a beautiful ending to a beautiful album, with callbacks to previous LC series, being the unofficial sequel to the Heart Swells songs. I think in this day and age we really are lacking in well produced, meaningful acoustic hits and AAS really fixes this. The song divulges into insecurities and youth, with a fitting end to the album talking about how life really is "All Hell." The song explores the duality of hopefulness and despair and the feeling of life; whether that be in terms of self-consciousness or the people around you.
AAS is definitely one of those sleeper hits that you don't really expect to land in your favourites, but it definetely does. It's hard to say a lot about this song; I feel like it speaks for itself.
Favourite lyric: My eyes shine like two pound coins I found upon the pool table rail, Heart swells, You're so beautiful, the sky is blue, But we both know too well. It's all hell.
4. Clown Blood; or, Orpheus' Bobbing Head
Hey, I said at LEAST one.
Clown Blood is easily the best track on All Hell for me, it's upbeat, it's shouty, it's everything LC excel at!
With a swinging intro straight into the hook and bridge, it captivates in a measily 4 minutes, I'd argue it could easily be longer. The lyrical content in Clown Blood is definetely one of my favourites on All Hell, it's such an angry hit and it's gotta have one of the best indirects on All Hell. 4 short lines - 97 characters - is apparently all it takes to write a slashing takedown. The best part? If you have no idea who, or what I'm talking about, the song is still made for you. LC do a perfect job at throwing shade in such a way that it serves as a highlight to the people that would recognise it, but be undetectable by the rest. Despite this, I don't want to only give Clown Blood credit for this. Clown Blood, and Holy Smoke (though this isn't my focus) are both the funnest songs to scream on All Hell, capturing some of LC's original charm whilst both having intense and opinionated lyrical content, a catchy hook and melody, and a whole lot of love.
Favourite lyric: My voice moved hades so he extinguished the fire, I'm who they mean when they proclaim "THE BOY'S A LYREEEEE"
5. neon glow - glass beach
I discovered glass beach a few years ago, from their hit "bedroom community" and since then haven't dabbled much in their music, but this song really resonates with me. I think glass beach really excels at their melodic counterparts and mixing rather than their lyrics, though they definingly aren't bad! And hey, any band that covers carseatheadrest is interesting to me! I'd recommend glass beach to anyone that likes a huge mix of synths and distorted guitar, this song is super fast and catchy, with a beautiful slowed down section towards the end. glass beach aren't afraid of experimenting, and that's one of my favourite things in music. If you like this track, I'd really reccomend "bedroom community" and "cold weather," two hits from the same album. I can't comment much on the rest of the album as I haven't listened much, but definitely want to in the future!
Favourite lyric: You reach out to grab my hand to hold me close, while we float away from everything we loved
Los Campesinos! and ME REX, Brighton
8/10/24 - Troxi
1219 Words
LAST EDITED: 10/10/24
I don't think I'll ever find a band as culturally and mentally impactful to me as Los Campesinos.LC have had an interesting last few years in the industry; from COVID making touring undeniably abysmal to a certain strange public figure endorsement skyrocketing the band into small internet-stardom, the band has definitely had a lot to adapt to. The first time I saw LC, I was a starstruck 14 year old, wandering around the streets of Shoreditch trying to find the entrance to Village Underground. I had gotten the tickets a day before, hidden under a cloth by my best friend in a maths class I never honestly really ever paid attention to, frantically texting a random middle-aged man on Twitter my PayPal information asking to hold the tickets to as soon as I got out of the class. Really, I definitely shouldn't of been allowed in, and at the very least I was incredibly lucky to find such a kind stranger to give me the resale to this gig. It was an over 16s event (Village Underground's policy, at the time) and I had no way of assuring I could get in. Luckily for me, I had yet to make an NHS Covid pass that I needed to get in anyway, so I just forged my age on that. Maybe not the smartest idea.Basically, this gig shouldn't of happened for me in any conceivable way.But it did; and it shaped my life.LC were my first "small" gig, before, I had gone to twentyonepilots at Wembley, and P!ATD at the O2 (before Brendon Urie decided to ruin his image..) and I can unequivocally say nothing will ever compare to the night I had that day in 2021.
The LC atmosphere of the fanbase at that time was truly at its peak; a small amount of newer fans - such as myself - surrounded by hundreds of burly, yet kind 30 year old men. I'd never felt so safe around a bunch of balding men, but LC was different. And as much as it meant to me then, screaming my favourite song for the first time, it meant to me last week, screaming the same song, albeit 3 years older, and absolutely none the wiser.
There's truly something special about recognising a song to be so dear to yourself to the point you claim it as your own; crying comparing the lyricism to your life experiences, only for the band to dedicate it to yourself and your community that you were so scared to admit to your 14 year old self.Los Campesinos! new release, "All Hell" was the focus on this small England tour, titled aptly the "Mortal Joy tour" in reference to the even more amazingly named track "To Hell In a Handjob." The setlist consisted of a staggering 9/15 songs of All Hell, along with LC classic sleeper hits for weeping dipshits. "Banger after banger," Gareth claimed, and I feel that's the best way to describe how the setlist felt. Every song's distinctive intro elicited an "OHH!" or "YES!" from the crowd (Okay, maybe from me at least..) and even the bar staff at the venue could be seen scrapping along, dancing around to the unique melodies and existential lyrics. The speakers seemed more of a suggestion, the band tearing up the stage with as much energy as a band so old now could possibly muster, impressively so. Hurling drinks around, breaking microphone cables, and feet clung to the security barrier, Gareth and co's energies were something to be marveled, a smile plastered over their faces at all times. You can honestly tell this band love what they're doing, love their fans, and love their songs and that genuinely adds so much sincerity to their performances, something many bands these days are lacking.LC are unequivocally pioneers in leading the indie emo scene to make a change, politically and socially. Since Troxy, LC's biggest ever headline show, earlier this year, they have displayed 2 beautiful custom made banners draped off their Clavia Nord Wave and drinks table (that is never actually used, by the way) with 2 telling messages-
Freedom to Palestine, and free healthcare and safety for all trans people.
As well as this, these aren't just words; these are actions too. LC have donated upwards of £5000 to both of these causes, only play at independent venues, and only play at venues with gender neutral facilities. Even in tickets, LC reserve around 10% of all of their tickets to cost £5 only for low income locals that wish to see them, and although you may wonder how that goes, these tickets are often the last to sell out, people preferring to head to resale rather than snap up tickets from those who need them. LC are one of the few bands, rare these days to stand up to society and try to make a change, embodying the old ideology of the punk movement and putting it to good use. It's incredibly admirable, and a trait I hope more bands adopt.Another in the long list of LC's good deeds, is ME REX. ME REX opened for the Mortal Joy tour, and LC never disappoint with their opener choices. A small band based in Brighton and London, close to the seafront with only 3000 monthly listeners on Spotify as of writing. ME REX's lyricism is rival to Gareth's, as said by himself, and is a small band to 100% look out for in the future. Their song "Jupiter Pluvius" is a beautiful song lyrically and melodically, the shouted vocals stripped back, imperfect but meaningful are beautifully executed, and the small keyboard riff is not only stupidly catchy for how simplistic it is, but a perfect topper for such a simple thin texture. As per usual, I'm absolutely kicking myself for not listening to them before entering the gig, they're easily in my top 5 bands now that I've given them a closer look and I'd easily advise you to give them a listen, especially the aforementioned song.
Brighton, and even CHALK itself as a venue was a perfect quaint place for this tour. With a highest capacity of around 800, it's easily the smallest venue I've seen LC! in, which is pretty impressive. Even funnier, the venue doubled as a nightclub only an hour after we were shuffled out into the seaside breeze.There's something truly satisfying about having such a personal connection with a band, starstruck looking up to see them for the first time, alone hopelessly in love with your best friend in the worst depressive period of your life, and years later coming to terms with your past and your present, arms around your current partner with not a care in the entire building, jumping along to You! Me! Dancing! - screaming in eachother's faces hand in hand. These moments, generally, are the ones that make you grateful for the life you've lived, even just for a moment, before you go back to reality.Thank you to ME REX, and especially to Los Campesinos! for such a beautiful night as always, and I hope to continue my gig streak at Troxy for Febuary (Hey, Troxy? but I'm Troxi... Wonder where that came from ;))10/10/24 - Double header tickets secured.. ;)
